


Home is Heaven for Beginners

by Cartecka



Category: Her Name in the Sky - Kelly Quindlen
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-10-21
Packaged: 2018-08-23 17:04:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8335531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cartecka/pseuds/Cartecka
Summary: This story is about Hannah starting at Emory and a little self-discovery and what not. It's 95% Hannah with just a little bit of Baker because you can't talk about Hannah without Baker.





	

College is everything Hannah expects it to be and she loves it. Missing Baker leaves a gaping hole in her heart and missing the rest of the Six Pack just makes it worse, but her life at Emory makes it all a little worth it. She’d known since sixth grade that she wasn’t a fan of how repressive her pre-college education had been. While she’d had come amazing teachers, like Ms. Carpenter, and some okay teachers, there had been more than enough strict and rigid teachers to make her feel like she couldn’t quite breathe right in a classroom. And all of that with Mr. Manceau and Father Simon breathing down their necks.

At Emory she doesn’t feel that itching anxiety that she felt whenever Father Simon would preach at them and none of the teachers here give her that forbidding stare that Mr. Manceau was known for. They aren’t _all_ like her Modern American Literature who seems to breathe new life into classics that Hannah thought she knew inside out and introduces her to new stories that she would never have read on her own. Some teachers are boring and some make her feel stupid even when she understands the material. But she feels freer here and like her life is a little more in her own hands.

She makes friends quickly but none of them are like Clay or Wally or Luke and certainly none of them are like Baker. But it’s easy to pass the time with them and sometimes she lets them drag her on silly adventures. Like when they go into town and get lost because Michael insists he can find his way to the botanical garden without google maps. They get there eventually, at midnight, and they can’t go in, but the greenhouse is lit from the inside and Hannah pictures the garden of Eden.

Hannah’s least favorite class this semester is her college writing seminar. Her AP Literature exam had allowed her to skip the basic college writing course but everyone has to take a seminar regardless. So she’s stuck in a class doing the same things she has all throughout high school, but with a teacher who is definitely not Ms. Carpenter.

Hannah would probably sleep her way through the class if not for the girl. The classroom is arranged in the sort of semi-circle formation that Humanities teachers enjoy because it helps promote discussion though there really isn’t much discussion in this class at all and the girl sits right across from Hannah. Her name is Bree, Hannah’s pretty sure, but she’d mumbled it on the first day and Hannah doesn’t really remember.

Bree wears leather jackets, flannels, and loose tank tops. She wears boots under jeans rolled up at the ankles or converse under dark skinny jeans. She wears snapbacks and beanies or sometimes her head is bare, allowing Hannah to see her trim haircut, buzzed at the sides and brushed back at the top just enough that it won’t fall into her eyes. Piercings run along the ridge of her ears and a single stud glints at the end of her eyebrow.

Hannah’s not trying to stereotype, she really isn’t but she’s can’t imagine that Bree is anything but very, very into women. And she can’t ignore that she’s drawn to her either. It’s so different from how Hannah feels about Baker that she doesn’t understand it at all. She just wants to get to know her.

Bree is quiet in class. She never seems to be paying attention but when they get their first essay back, Hannah doesn’t miss the small smirk on her lips, making her think that maybe Bree doesn’t need to pay attention. She spends the first two month of the semester trying not to get caught staring but maybe hoping just a little bit that she will. She just wants to talk to her but isn’t quite sure how to start that particular conversation. “I think you might be gay” seems wrong somehow.

She doesn’t tell Baker about Bree. She isn’t quite sure how to do that because she can’t really explain why she wants to talk to her so badly. She’s sure it’s not a crush (pretty sure at least and sometimes she worries until she sees Baker on her computer screen again) but whenever she tries describing it in her head, it sounds like one.

It’s only just before Thanksgiving that Hannah finally gets to talk to her. Professor Fox, stating a change in scenery as his reasoning, has them switch from their usual seats. But Hannah, and everyone else in the class, knows that he does it as an excuse to separate the two boys who have been making his life hell. Hannah moves subtly but quickly so that she can occupy the seat next to Bree. Bree nods at her and then looks away.

Hannah can’t watch her all of class without being conspicuous anymore but they talk now, occasionally, when Professor Fox has their pair up to do peer review and discuss the readings.

She reminds Hannah a little bit of Luke because she doesn’t seem to take anything too seriously. At least, she certainly doesn’t take this class seriously. She’s funny, though, in that biting sarcastic way that’s only funny on some people and comes off bitter on others. And, she doesn’t understand why, but Bree is easier to breathe around than anyone else Hannah knows except Baker.

* * *

 When she goes home for Thanksgiving, she still doesn’t tell Baker.

* * *

 For their final project, Professor Fox tells them that they will be writing a research paper in pairs.

“There will be many times from here on out that you will have to collaborate with people in your work. Get used to it. Also, now is a good time to learn that no one will care who did the work. You both get the same grade.”

He lets them pick their partners though, which Hannah didn’t expect. She asks Bree so quickly it’s a little embarrassing but Bree just smiles and says sure. For the first week or so, they don’t meet up. They decide over text that Bree will do one half of the research and Hannah will do the other and they’ll get together to write it later. Of course, later ends up being only two days before it’s due.

Hannah doesn’t normally procrastinate but Bree seems so unworried and relaxed that she can’t bring herself to push them to meet sooner even though she would really like more time. Their schedules don’t line up during the day so they end up meeting for dinner to discuss what exactly what they want to say. Hannah is surprised by how seriously Bree takes it. Her eyebrow creases a little as she talks steadily, as if suddenly this class is the most important thing in the world.

When they migrate to the library, coffee cups in hand, it feels a little bit like a death sentence because they have fifteen pages to write. Bree buckles down, organizing their research so that they know which citations go where.

“I like to write around the citations for papers like these. It makes it easier to know where everything goes.”

It’s not a strategy that Hannah really understands but it seems to work for Bree. When they compare progress after an hour, they each have about three pages written. Bree’s is a little more formal than Hannah’s and a little more organized but Hannah’s writing flows better and is nicer to read.

“We should edit each other’s work when we’re done,” Hannah says.

“Way ahead of you,” Bree says and winks.

Hannah grins back.

As she works, Baker texts her intermittently. Hannah told her that she had a group project to do so she knows that Baker won’t be mad that she’s not answering. But her phone still buzzes gently against the table every once in a while and Hannah has to fight the urge to look because she knows as soon as she does she won’t want to work anymore.

Eventually, Bree looks up at her with raised eyebrows.

“You’re very popular,” she says, glancing at Hannah’s phone.

Hannah blushes and reaches to it.

“Sorry, I can turn off vibrate if it’s bothering you.”

“Nah, I’m good. Just curious. Who all is texting you at this time of night?”

It’s one of those questions that would be invasive if Hannah had to answer honestly, but it’s also one of those questions that’s really easy to brush off with a lie. For a second, Hannah considers it but her stomach turns a little at the thought. Hannah never wants to lie about Baker ever again.

“It’s my girlfriend,” she says, and she’s proud that she doesn’t stumble over her words as she comes out to essentially a stranger for the first time.

Bree’s eyebrows shoot up to her hairline and her eyes light up. A small smile dances along the corners of her lips and she looks inordinately happy at the news.

And that’s when she gets it. She understands now why she wanted to be friends with Bree. She understands why she needed to get close to this person that, in high school, she wouldn’t have spared more than a passing glance. It’s because, since Hannah first figured out that she was gay, this is the most positive response she’s gotten when she came out.

“How long have you been together?” Bree asks and her voice is soft.

“About six months, but she’s been my best friend since the beginning of high school so it feels like much longer honestly.”

“Does she go to school here?”

Hannah feels the familiar drop in her stomach when she thinks too hard about Baker being at LSU and when she thinks about how she hasn’t seen her in person since Thanksgiving.

“No, she goes to LSU.”

“Long distance sucks, dude,” Bree says and Hannah can tell she means it.

“Yeah. But she’s worth it.”

And Bree’s face softens and Hannah feels like she can breathe even more easily. They both get back to work and end up staying in the library till nearly three am but Hannah doesn't mind. She’s exhausted when she gets back to her room but she feels full in a way that she hasn’t since last saying goodbye to Baker.

* * *

They get an A on the essay.

* * *

Over Christmas break, Hannah still doesn’t tell Baker about Bree except to mention her as her partner for her final paper. It starts to feel a little like a lie when Bree texts her just asking what’s up and wondering if she wants to hang out when she gets back. But the lie feels insignificant compared to everything that she and Baker are when they’re together and so Hannah decides that she doesn’t want to waste any of their time together trying to put into words how comfortable she is around Bree. She’s not sure Baker would understand without having met her.

The three and a half weeks that Hannah and Baker get together (with brief but all too common intermissions from family) mend the gaping hole in Hannah’s chest. Baker gives her breath and life and love and Hannah does everything she can to forget that LSU exists when Baker falls asleep in the crook of her neck at night.

Unfortunately, those three and a half weeks come to an end, as they must, and Hannah is wiping the tears off Baker’s face, completely ignoring her own as she gets ready to get into her car and drive away from the person she loves most in the world.

“I love you. I’ll see you in a couple weeks,” Hannah says, citing the next time she plans on making the long trip back down to LSU. Baker nods and kisses her until neither of them can breathe and finally Hannah gets into the car.

* * *

When she gets back to Emory, the hole in her chest feels larger than ever. She no longer has the excitement of the start of college to keep her going and the short Christmas break had only made her miss Baker more than ever. Her new classes are more interesting but the shift is weird and it takes Hannah a second to adjust. She’s been back for three days and she already feels like she’s drowning.

Bree texts her, asking if she wants to go to an movie with her and a bunch of her friends. Hannah, needing to get out of her room and out of her own head, agrees instantly.

Hannah meets Jack, Sawyer, Anya, and Lisa. Jack is small and wiry with a face like a young boy but he smiles at her warmly and holds out a hand with painted nails. Sawyer is taller, with a square jaw lined with scruff. He’s the kind of boy that would have been very popular in high school, maybe even Prom King, but Hannah notices his hand, low on Jack’s back and she has to bite back a smile. Anya’s very short. Shorter than Hannah and she’s dressed like an athlete with a backwards cap pulled over her ponytail and a sweatshirt, shorts and sneakers. She waves awkwardly at Hannah when she’s introduced. Lisa is gorgeous in the way that tall, athletic women often are. Her light brown hair is streaked with sun and Hannah catches a glimpse of a tattoo along her collarbone.

They’re nice and a little rowdy but nothing like the Six Pack. Sawyer and Anya walk a bit ahead, deep in conversation about some class that they have together, but Jack and Lisa hang back with Bree and Hannah telling her about where they’re going.

“So, this movie is playing down at the Maseo, which is this independent movie theater. It’s about this gay couple in New York like twenty or thirty years back. It’s supposed to be amazing,” Jack says, gesturing a lot as he speaks. “It’s gotten great reviews from everyone.”

“And the lead actress, is amazing. Like extremely talented, extremely gorgeous,” Lisa adds.

“Lisa has a crush on her,” Bree says loudly, and Lisa glares at her but doesn’t deny it.

“That’s the one problem with lesbian films,” Jack says, mournfully. “No hot guys.”

“That’s the _point_ of lesbian films,” Bree shoots back and Jack makes a face.

“Touché.”

Hannah wonders if she could ever explain the feeling that she has as she watches Sawyer drop back so that he can slip his hand into Jack’s, like it’s not a big deal at all. She wonders if she could explain why her lungs breathe easier when Anya casually mentions that her girlfriend has a show next weekend and they should all go.

It’s not hard to fall in line with the group. They’re easy going and fun. Anya’s quiet but she listens attentively when Hannah talks, telling them about her small Catholic school (they all grimace) and her adventures with the Six Pack. She leaves out Baker, for now, because she’s afraid that she can’t talk about her without talking about everything that went down and she doesn’t want to kill the mood.

They chatter over popcorn and Twizzlers until the lights dim and the movie starts.

The lead actress is gorgeous, as Lisa said but so different from Baker that Hannah only notices it with detached interest. The movie is brilliant though, and Hannah feels like she’s living vicariously through these two women who dance their way secretly and in love through New York during the eighties. It makes Hannah dream of adventure and suddenly, she wants nothing more than to take Baker there sometime. She adds it to her bucket list.

They walk back to campus slowly, joyous, all six of them, as if they’ve unlocked the secrets of the universe. It’s the same carefree feeling Hannah has with the Six Pack on late summer afternoons and she relishes in it. Jack and Bree are talking a mile a minute, tripping over each other’s sentences and muddling their words. Anya agrees with everything they say in that quiet way she does and Lisa just laughs a lot.

“Did you have fun?” Sawyer asks and his broad shoulders and gruff voice reminds her a little of Clay and she smiles up at him happily.

“It was amazing. I’m so glad I came.”

“You should hang out with us again,” Sawyer says, glancing at Jack and Bree as he does.

“I would love to,” Hannah says and she means it.

* * *

She stops hanging out with her friends from the first semester. They had been nice enough but Hannah had known they wouldn't last and isn't torn up about it. She goes to movie nights and parties with Bree and the crew. She studies with them and whines to them about midterms. They hang out on the quad together and text each other to grab meals. She tells them about Baker and they all smile the same way Bree did when Hannah told her. They beg to meet her. And Hannah laughs when she tells them that she’ll come up to visit at some point and she’ll definitely introduce them.

* * *

When Hannah makes the long drive to LSU and finally gets to see Baker again, she marvels that she ever could have left and ignores the voice telling her she will have to again.

Baker notices, because she notices everything, that Hannah is happier and she asks what that’s all about and Hannah turns to her with bright eyes.

“I made some new friends. At Emory. Nothing like the Six Pack but still awesome.”

Baker smiles and kisses her.

“That’s really cool babe.”

* * *

The drive back to Emory is longer than the drive to LSU had been because Hannah has to keep pulling over when her tears make it too hard for her to drive. She texts Bree as she tries to stop crying and Bree tells her to drive safe and she’ll see her when she’s home.

Hannah’s been back for two minutes when Bree knocks on her door, a tub of ice cream in one hand and her laptop and a promise of bad Netflix movies in the other. Hannah tries to stop herself from bursting into tears again but she’s tired and emotional and this is exactly what she needed. Missing Baker still sucks, but it sucks a little less when she’s not alone.

* * *

It’s three more weeks before Baker makes the trip up to her. Hannah has talked vaguely about her new friends but she feels strange for some reason telling Baker that they’re all gay. She feels like Baker might not understand exactly how much it means to her that they are and it's important that she understands. It's the only thing that matters.

But when Baker arrives on Friday night, Hannah doesn't even think about them at all. She has already begged her roommate to spend the night in someone else’s room and Katie had agreed with a smirk and a warning to stay away from her bed.

Every time Hannah has sex with Baker, she swears that she could never forget the feeling. It’s so much and so beautiful and it fills her heart and body so much. But when they finally get to have sex again, it feels new and amazing and Hannah feels like she forgot how good it could be. Hannah makes it her goal to channel of the the energy she spent missing her into making Baker feel hopeful as much as she feels.

She falls asleep in Baker’s arms wondering how she ever survived without this.

* * *

Saturday morning, she wakes up slowly and lazily and presses kisses to Bakers collarbones and cheeks to wake her. They forgo breakfast in exchange for something much sweeter and don’t actually leave the room until just past noon.

They walk around campus to get food and they catch up on as much as they can. They’re walking by the student center, Baker telling Hannah a ridiculous story about Clay, when Hannah hears her name. She turns to see Bree stepping out of the building. The wind ruffles her short hair and her eyes narrow into a squint against the sun, but Hannah can see a soft smile on her lips.

And suddenly Hannah’s nervous. She wants this to go well. She wants Baker to like Bree. She needs her to really, because she needs her to understand why she likes Bree for reasons she can’t really put it into words. She doesn’t worry about Bree liking Baker. It seems like an inevitability to her.

“Hey Bree,” Hannah says, “What’s up?”

“Nothing much. We’re going to a poetry reading tonight. You coming?”

Baker looks between them. She recognizes Bree’s name probably. Hannah wonders what she’s thinking.

“Maybe… Depends on how busy I am.”

She glances at Baker as she says it. Bree follows her gaze and then her eyes light up with recognition.

“Oh, so this is the girlfriend. Well in that case, I think you’ll definitely be coming tonight, eh?”

Her face splits into that wide grin that Hannah has come to recognize as the one she uses when she knows she’s said something funny. Hannah doesn’t laugh though.

“You don’t get to make fun of me. At least I’m getting some.”

Bree’s smirk drops and she grumbles a little under her breath. Baker is blushing next to Hannah but she seems to be trying not to laugh as well.

“We might stop by. But no promises,” Hannah says and Bree brightens immediately.

“You should. I know the rest of the gang will want to meet you,” she says, addressing Baker now. Baker smiles politely and says she will definitely consider it.

They go their separate ways and Baker is quiet for a bit. Hannah tries to read her mind, and usually she can but right now she’s brimming nerves and can’t quite.

“She seems nice,” Baker finally says.

“She is. I like her alot.”

Baker nods thoughtfully.

“She’s very…”

And Hannah can tell that she’s struggling with the same thing Hannah struggled with the first semester.

“Gay?” she asks innocently, and Baker turns to her with a slack jaw and wide eyes.

“Hannah!”

“What? She is.”

“You can’t just say that though.”

And it’s weird for a second because it _is_ okay. With Bree and Sawyer and the rest it is okay to say that they’re gay and that they look gay and that they act gay. It’s okay to joke about it and make light of it in a way that it hasn’t been between them. And Hannah knows Baker doesn't, can't understand. Because to Baker, being gay until now, has just been a struggle. It’s had been something to hide. And though loving Hannah made her feel open and free and happy, being gay, though inexorably intertwined, still made her feel like there was a cross on her shoulders. And Hannah understood because she’d felt the same way for so long. Baker just didn’t understand yet what it meant to have other people to carry that cross with.

“I can though,” Hannah says, trying to explain while simultaneously knowing she can’t. “That’s why she’s so great and the others as well.”

Baker stares at her, not quite understanding. Hannah wishes she could find the words.

“She’s amazing and you should meet the others,” Hannah just says. “Let’s go tonight. We won’t stay out too late and we can come back and do whatever you want after.”

“Whatever I want?” Baker says, and a mischievous smile splits across her face. Hannah can’t wait to find out what she’s thinking.

“Whatever you want.”

* * *

That night, when Hannah introduces Baker, the group acts as expected.

“Damn, I take back everything I said about you not having game Hannah,” Sawyer says, “You did well, young grasshopper. She is smoking.”

“ _She_ is standing right in front of you,” Lisa snarks back and holds out her hand to shake. “Nice to meet you Baker. You are even more beautiful than Hannah said.”

“Leave her alone,” Anya says. “She’s going to think you’re teasing her.”

“I’m not!!” Lisa replies. “I was being genuine.”

Hannah laughs and is relieved to see that Baker does as well. She wonders if Baker is starting to feel it, the safety and the comfort and the joy they bring her.

* * *

“So, we’re going to see Sam Carlisle. She’s this amazing poet who also does inclusion talks and stuff,” Jack says, as they get on the bus downtown. “She’s local so you probably haven’t heard of her, but everyone around here knows her.”

“Everyone gay around here knows her,” Lisa corrects and Jack nods in agreement. “If you like poetry even a little bit, you’ll love her. Her writing is… I mean it’s just incredible.”

“Yeah,” Bree agrees quickly. “It’s like, all those feelings that you can’t quite put into words? She does it and it’s amazing.”

* * *

Her friends are the perfect hosts. As they walk, they point out certain landmarks, places that they’d hung out. Places that they should hang out and Baker soaks it all in. She’s smiling and laughing and Hannah loves her friends so much more in that moment.

They get to the venue, a small bar that’s been turned upside down so that there’s a small stage in the corner and lots of chairs but no tables. They find seats near enough that they can get the full experience but far enough so that they won’t be illuminated by the spotlights that spill off the small stage into the audience.

Sam steps out and introduces herself.

Baker slips her hand into Hannah’s.

Sam's first poem is about loving a girl who she wasn’t supposed to love. It’s sad and it reminds Hannah of her senior year in high school and she’s crying before she even notices, silent tears streaming down her face. She’s embarrassed until she sees that she’s not the only one. Baker has a death grip on her hand and she’s crying even harder than Hannah is. Hannah pries her hand out of her grip, replacing it with her other, so that she can up her arm around her and pull her close. Jack is curled under Sawyer’s arm in the same way, using his shirt to wipe his eyes and Sawyers jaw is clenched. Anya keeps bringing the sleeve of her sweatshirt up to her face and Bree’s eyes are glittering more than usual in the dim light. Sam's words are heartbreaking and Hannah feels like she’s reliving everything that happened her senior year first hand. Jack wasn’t kidding. She seems to be pulling the words right from Hannah’s own heart.

Her second poem is funny, making light of some of people’s best reactions when she came out to them, and Hannah wonders if it’s by design because she’s laughing and her tears are dry by the time it’s over. She wonders if one day, she’ll have stories like these. Not just stories that end in her mother’s tears and her best friends’ anger.

Sam's third poem is defiant and injured. It’s her yelling at everyone who has hurt her and hurt her girlfriend and hurt every gay person. It’s her casting judgement but also begging for change. It makes Hannah want to take to the streets and shout of the tops of buildings. Hannah looks at Baker and sees that her jaw is squared and there’s fire in her eyes. Baker turns to her and with no hesitation kisses her right then and there. It makes Hannah brave.

“When I was in college, there weren’t as many things like this or at least they were harder to find but I always found somewhere to be with other queer people,” Sam says during a break between poems. “Straight people don’t get it. They don’t understand what it feels like to get battered by the whole world which is why they don’t understand why I spend so much time around other people like me. It’s a refuge of sorts. That’s why lots of you are here right?”

There’s a gentle murmur of agreement from the crowd.

“Well, this poem is for you.”

 

_Home’s not a place. Not for me._

_Not the house I grew up in that uses the wrong pronouns for the people I love_

_Not the town I grew up in that says my name like its taboo, like I'm its greatest shame_

_Not my high school where the whispers of ‘butch’ ‘dyke’ and ‘lesbo’ still echo in the halls_

_It’s not my college dorm where my roommate begged the administration for a switch, said ‘don’t you dare try to kiss me’ as if her curled upper lip and narrowed eyes were in any way not clear enough_

_It’s not a city either because every city whispers hate_

_And every city flinches when I hold her hand._

_Every city spits and shouts and rebels._

_It’s not a country. Not this country that tells me I’m not valid, my love is not valid._

_Not this country where I can't marry the woman I love_

_Not this country that kills young gay men and women in the streets_

_Not this country..._

 

_No._

 

_Home is where I can say girlfriend without stuttering._

_Home is where she kisses me on the cheek and I blush, not in shame, but because she loves me and I still can’t believe it._

_Home is…_

_Home is where I can wear a rainbow bandana around my neck_

_Home is where I can dance, badly, to Lady Gaga and Diana Ross_

_Home is where I don’t worry about what people think about my short hair and swaggy walk_

_Home is…_

_Home is where the anxiety that spikes hot and sharp in my chest when I meet a new person melts into the curious expectation of meeting a new friend_

_Home is where the voice in the back of my head, who sounds a lot like Father John, telling me I'm wrong and I should hide in shame forever, goes quiet_

_Home is where I see my queer friends take deep breaths as if coming up for air for the first time in a while_

_Home is where the heart is, and my heart is at home when it beats steady and even, not fast with fear and indecision, not erratic with anxiety or panic_

 

_Home is… here. With you._

 

_Let me be your home too._

 

The room bursts into applause and Sam takes her final bow before heading off the stage to the bar. She is immediately offered drinks by at least five people and if Hannah were of age, she thinks she would be among them. Hannah owes her everything for giving her the words she needed to explain. Of course, now she doesn't really need to explain anymore.

Baker pulls Hannah off to the side and kisses her. Baker kisses her full on the mouth in a crowded bar. Baker kisses her while Hannah’s friends are just a few feet away. Baker kisses her where anyone can see.

And it doesn’t matter. No one cares. No one spares them a second glance. But it means the world to them.

“I think I get it now,” Baker murmurs, playing with the hem of Hannah’s shirt. “I get why you like them.”

“Yeah,” Hannah says.

"They're home."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to comment questions and the like. I'm happy to talk about this with anyone!! :)


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